At this point in time, I find myself lazy, depressed, and apathetic. This is no new state for me. Rather, it's my default state that I war against constantly. Every day, I wake up and start the battle with stretching, meditation, and exercise. My mental state can be so fragile that good or bad nutrition at any given point can make the difference between daily depression and elation. Despite my efforts, I've found myself feeling defeat often in recent weeks.
My biggest question (and if you listen to my podcasts, you'll already know this) has been: how much of my depression is my fault? Am I at the mercy of my own moods or do I cause them with my actions (or lack thereof)? You may have heard me say that free will is an illusion, and I believe it is. But at the moment I believe I am choosing to type these words and that same illusion makes me believe I have choices to do things like talking to new people, performing stand up comedy, and moving forward with my creative pursuits. It's these things that I've forgone recently and it's that forgoing that I believe has been my downfall.
I'm a hypocrite. Maybe we all are. Can anyone truly practice what they preach? My own ideals are unattainable for a man like me. Shoot for the stars, hit the moon... right?
Regardless, the only logical course of action is to try and identify where I've gone wrong and do what I can to learn and move forward in a way that avoids more wrongness. In short, I need to step it up. As time passes and my problem of income becomes more pressing, the need to "step it up" will also force itself to the front of my mind. I guess this is a good thing.
So what does stepping it up look like? For me, it's essentially a list of things that I either must or must not do for a manageable length of time. This time around, they look like this:
- Follow strict diet until 8/5 (a family vacation)
- Write 15 pages of Love? by the end of July
- Write 1 blog update a week, preferably on Sundays (this being the first one)
- Do everything possible to volunteer a local radio station ASAP
- DO NOT QUIT meditation club and continue to meditate 2x daily
- Continue to workout 6 days/week. Run a timed mile before 8/5
- Secure 3 new podcast guests before 8/5
(These goals as well as Steve's are captured on video in KyleCast 25. The link is timestamped for convenience.)
If you read about my current state of negativity and feel inclined to worry, please don't. I'll be out soon. In fact, I record these feelings with as much honesty as possible, so that the good times are balanced out and put in perspective. Thank you for reading.