What do I want?

Of all the things that truly suck about depression, the loss of interest in things probably gets my vote for suckiest. 

I can be very passionate about a lot of things; Sometimes, I wake up crisp and excited to talk, run, play, and write. Sometimes, though, the dusty lens of depression turns these usually pleasurable activities into insufferable chores. There's no vision of happiness for me because nothing could inspire me to be happy.

Steve and I will often feel low at the same times. He's fond of asking, "What would make you happy right now?" When my answer is, "Nothing," I know I'm depressed. I'm grateful for this exercise as it proves for certain that happiness (or lack thereof) is internal rather than external. I believe some depressed people delude themselves, thinking that a better body or a better sex life might make them happy, but Steve and I are no longer as naive. 

It's these times that make me question everything. My finances are currently a big question mark. I'm existing in an eye-of-the-storm type situation - fine for now but the winds of poverty are a-blowin'. Money making ideas that sound plausible, fun, and sustainable during my happier days sound impossible and intolerable on sadder days. 

I've started to realize the value of the idiom "strike the iron while it's hot." None of my ideas or projects require any talent or skill that I'm not capable of. Rather, they require hard work and sustained focus. My dreams only lack possibility when I lack gumption. My gumption is coming back and I'm beginning to see the possibilities again. It's a wondrous feeling made all the better by my periods of fear and confusion.

If you're reading this and you can relate to any of it, just keep going. It's easy to forget how, but just keep going. With my current depression fading and my wits coming back, my own irrational thought patterns from the past few weeks baffle me. Try and recognize your moods and take them into account. Don't take yourself seriously when your brain sucks. When your brain comes back though, be ready. Don't waste the time you've been gifted.